Selfish wretch. by @sololobo (Solo Lobo)

Biographies don't do jack for informing someone about a person. A biography is merely a place to explain how you see yourself. Not who/what you really are. So here i'm going to do myself a favor by dissecting myself for all to see and puke at.

I am, quite frankly, a selfish wretch. I'm not sure where to start with the actual explanation and evidence to this fact, but i think i'll blame someone else before i go off about myself. Let's blame the internet. The internet allows one to hide behind a computer screen, within the comfort of our own homes. It allows us to tear down or raise up anyone we choose, to befriend or deprive those who we see fit. If we get ourselves into some sort of trouble, the solution is simple. Unplug the computer for a few days, or even just not go to that mailbox/message board/chat/community for a period of time, and all will be forgotten. We can make amends my simply sending a piece of fan art. We can connect ourselves to anyone we deem worthy enough, and we can expect/demand equal respect and admiration. When we don't get what we think is deserving of us, we throw tantrums and start massive flame wars, like an online WW III. And do often we allow ourselves to forget that there are actual people 300hundredsome miles away at the end of a phone line who breathe and sleep and think and cry and bleed and loathe and hate JUST like us. But oh, it's okay; it's just the internet. It's not real. No one's getting hurt by our powerless words. I have as much faith in this statement as I have in politicians.

All my life, no matter how hard i try to hide it, i am probably one of the planet's most weak and sensitive creatures. Inwardly weak, however; i put up one hell of a "front". Obviously, because i have the hardest time convincing people of this, and is pisses me off when they deny it. I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE INSIDE. UNDERSTAND THIS, OR GO AWAY. Please. I am a disgusting, wretched, pathetic though choosy attention-seeker. Meaning i want attention from those "i deem worthy of it". It's probably why i don't e-mail people. Or if i have, and i don't get a reply, i walk away because i don't want to piss anyone off and cause “emotional harm” to myself when i get yelled at. I give up easily. I walk away. I never keep in touch with people. I haven't had a real conversation with my life-long soul sister in months. I convince myself that i deserve something, and when i don't get it i get pissed. And i take it out by being pissy and vicious and secluded, and no one can figure out why. In my mind, no one understands. And maybe they don't. Maybe i'm so far below the standards of Homo sapiens that it's impossible to be understood due to my outstanding pathetic-ness.

And now for the being-patheic part of this.....essay. About 10 months ago i was taken in for my first psych-session. After a pathetic 15 min discussion session and a 2-page evaluation form, i was prescribed medication for ADD and depression (Medidate and Wellbutrin, if anyone’s curious), which usually go hand-in-hand. It didn’t take long for my parents and i to figure out that the probably cause of the depression was all the years of screaming and fighting because of grades. What i call mental abuse. And i convince myself that i would sure as hell rathered physical abuse than the stressed, 24/7 “you’re never good enough” attitude; quite literally, Why couldn’t you make a 98 instead of a 95?” and so on. I made straight A’s up through 5th grade, and then it was all downhill, where it continues to fall today. I knew that there were many other reasons that all added up on top of this, but one was good enough for the parents and for the shrink.

After that, it just got worse. A week or so after i began taking the meds, i tried cutting for the first time. But due to my impeccable Catholic upbringing, i caved in the next morning, and “turned myself in”, so to speak, to my mom in a pathetic fit of tears and jumbled words, and having to explain it a second time when my father came in from outside. I know now that it was all for a pointless and pathetic (see a key word here?) romantic interest from the year before, a “love triangle”, if you will, that pains me still today to think that i could come that close to destroying two of the best friendships i will ever have. To make the past months short, i got my first boyfriend, and made the mistake of it being a jock. Or athlete, if we’re being politically correct. (I’d hate to upset anyone.) After being replaced by football, i “went back to” the knife, but i realized that throughout the course of the relationship, i had never really stopped. I convinced myself that this person could save me from the pit of which i had dug for myself, but when i subconsciously realized that he couldn’t, and never could, i broke me again. I tried to fix the problem: me.

The saddest revelation of all is the psychology article i found but two days ago. It explained Borderline personality disorder: “Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.” and also it explained today’s young cutters. And i finally realized what i had been trying to convince myself of all along. Excerpt: “These youths will make shallow cuts in obvious or semi-obvious areas, like the inner arm, usually with a razor blade. It will be in a place that can be hidden by clothing from parents or teachers. However, they will want friends or others to be observant enough to notice and care. This person is not actually suicidal. They want someone to notice even though they may hide their cuts and scars.” ...................All i could think and all i can think is My God, that is me. This scum that i always laughed at is me. I don’t want to live with myself. But i know i have to. And it will be to spite myself. Thank God that no one ever did notice. Thank God i was disappointed to the point that i gave up the attention seeking. But the feelings of worthlessness will never go away, no matter who i’m with.

To Elyse, i offer my apology for never being there. I’m just glad you never knew what i’ve become. Thank you for being there for the few times i’ve kept in touch. To Jill, Allison, Angelle, Denis, and the guys, thank you for pulling me up. I could say so much, but i can’t find the words. To the admins, thank you for allowing me to post this confession. And to anyone who will ever see my archive, i’m sorry you had to see this.

Sincerely and shamefully,

Mary, a.k.a. Solo Lobo.

And lastly, Artwork © Copyright 2002 Solo Lobo