Over the past few centuries, if not millennia, precession made the Western astrological horoscope imprecise in its alignment with the real constellations. Therefore, I have compiled a modernized horrorscope which I believe may be more useful to today's audiences.


A Properly Modern Horrorscope

~ Virgo (Sep. 16 - Oct. 30): Some of you can't claim to be virgins anymore. In which case, you ought to be a Boötes, instead. True, the Sun doesn't go through the Herdsman (at least from Earth), but when has that stopped you from looking at a horoscope? After all, the Sun didn't enter Virgo on August 22, despite what all those other horoscopes want you to believe.

~ Libra (Oct. 31 - Nov. 22): If you work for scale, you probably would like some tips. Tip Number One: find a job you actually like.

~ Scorpius (Nov. 23 - Nov. 29): Perhaps you tend to pinch pennies, an inch, or someone's derrière. Most likely, it's not what you pinch, but that you like to pinch.

~ Ophiuchus (Nov. 30 - Dec. 17): If you insist upon playing doctor, get a room. Patients don't like to be left out in the cold.

~ Sagittarius (Dec. 18 - Jan. 18 ): Be careful when dancing. You might discover you have two left feet.

~ Capricornus (Jan. 19 - Feb. 15): No matter what you try, do you feel like you always end up as the goat? Don't feel bad; you can always punt the other fellow in the seat of the pants.

~ Aquarius (Feb. 16 - Mar. 11): Are you all wet? Get a towel.

~ Pisces (Mar. 12 - Apr. 18 ): Do you fish for a wish? Good luck.

~ Aries (Apr. 19 - May 13): Feeling golden? Make sure it's not gilt.

~ Taurus (May 14 - Jun. 19): Avoid china shops.

~ Gemini (Jun. 20 - Jul. 20): Double, double, toil and trouble. Fires burn and cauldron bubble. Learn to cook, on the double.

~ Cancer (Jul. 21 - Aug. 9): Feeling crabby? Just don't get stepped on.

~ Leo (Aug. 10 - Sep. 15): Watch where you pussyfoot around. You might step in something.


The Fiddly Bits: The above horrorscope uses the thirteen constellations of the ecliptic (the apparent path of the Sun through the sky over the course of a year). As seen from Earth, the Sun appears to lie in each constellation on these dates, though they may be off by a day depending upon year. The planets and Moon actually meander through a modern day zodiac of twenty-one constellations.

An attentive reader will notice thirteen constellations in the ecliptic rather than the twelve signs associated with Western astrology. The Sun actually spends more time in the constellation of Ophiuchus (the Serpent Bearer) than in Scorpius. Scorpius and Capricornus also happen to be the official names of the Scorpion and the Sea-Goat, respectively. In 1930, the IAU (International Astronomical Union) set the official boundaries and names of today's eighty-eight constellations, giving astronomers across the world a standardized reference for locating objects in the sky.

Broadly defined as the natural "wobble" of Earth's axis, precession causes the stars to appear to slowly drift to the east over the course of centuries. Four thousand years ago, the so-called "first point of Aries" entered the constellation of Aries, but left it about 2000 years ago. Right now, the point lies most of the way through Pisces and should enter Aquarius in about 500 to 600 years.

You may find having a knowledge of the Greek and Roman myths behind the above constellations to be helpful in trying to figure out the entries.