AUTHORIAL PREAMBLE
"SquidRiffs" is a caustic review series created by E350tb, wherein Squidward from SpongeBob SquarePants provides cynical commentary on bad fanfiction. Following the laudatory reception to a previous piece I did on a roleplay interlude in IOT XIV, Omega124 requested I apply the process to an earlier interview we conducted, even though I couldn't see how our exchange qualified as 'bad'. Politically-charged and deliberately slanted, yes, as our critic will explain.

Hello, deviantART, I'm Squidward Tentacles. You may remember me as that revolving-door patient in the neural trauma ward. You'd think I'd learned my lesson from last time, but the twitchy Viking assured me our topic today is both shorter and not nearly as insane as last time. Since SpongeBob can't bother me in the studio, I figured I'd give it a shot.

OK, introduction: This is the transcript of an interview that occurred in the geo-political role-playing game Imperium Offtopicum XIV, hosted at the Civilization Fanatics Center, between Thorvald of Lym (as a journalist from the Women's Republic of France)—GamerGate, eat your heart out—and Omega124 (as French president Jeannette Hiver). So, just as a matter of background, in this game France is basically third wave feminism ratcheted up to Bolshevik levels of radicalism. If 'satire' is one of your trigger words, I suggest you leave now.

Édith Marchand is a junior correspondent with Agence France-Presse. She was treated to a one-on-one interview with Président Hiver 19 February 2113. The transcript has been translated from the French. Implausible though it is, it'd be interesting to write these sorts of things in the native tongue, just to see how much gets lost in translation.

ÉM: Madame Président, let me begin first of all by congratulating you on your triumphant return to the office, and, may I just say, I hope this term fares far better than the last! Good to know brown-nosing remains a gender-blind institution.

JH: Thank you, Mlle. Marchand. While the circumstances that lead to my return are very tragic, it is a powerful reminder of the demand of change the average Frenchwoman wants. Judging by the track record, this means a coup-d'état every four years. Even the most moderate "Nationals" have more interest getting in bed with the Germans if you know what I mean—sorry, Australians, or even the Russians than listen to France herself. And France wants the liberation of women home and abroad, not acceptance by the Patriarchy.

ÉM: Indeed, indeed. As noble as Pettigrew was in her own day, her role in the feminist dialectic was played out and it was simply inexcusable for her to so callously impose upon your Presidency for one last dance in the public spotlight. And to think, in this setting, AFP is allegedly one of the independent news companies. Also, I still can't fathom how nobody raised a fuss that a French premier had an English surname.

JH: What I find inexcusable was her audacity to use her STD cronies Most unfortunate acronym ever. The worst part is, it doesn't even work in French to illegally extort the courts to rule in favor for her restoration. Much better to short-circuit the whole legal apparatus and seize power through plebiscite. You know, like Iran. Thanks to the STD's almost magical ability to destroy any documents that incriminate themselves, she'll probably walk away without ever facing justice for her crimes. Speaking of, did they ever catch the sniper that shot Durand?

Needless to say, my appointing of Mlle. Renard as head of the STD I could make some joke about furries, but this is awkward enough already will prevent the organization from interfering in the courts, or internal politics in general, ever again. The STD should be for protecting international women's rights, not decide who gets to be Président, non? Unless we're talking about Monaco, in which case all bets are off.

ÉM: Speaking of Mlle. Renard, I still recall years ago when you had your show oh yeah, before joining party politics Hiver was basically Lady Rush Limbaugh, your interview with her on her landmark book, La Folie des Hommes, also known as, and I quote: "the ultrafeminist's answer to Mein Kampf". I think everyone watching at the time knew just how important her work would be to modern, progressive sociology, not unlike climate change denial to environmental science. And now today, you're Président and she's your deputy! Do you think that fate conspired to vault you two to leadership at womanhood's eleventh hour?

JH: I don't think it was just fate. Player fiat played a big part, too. I knew the moment after I interviewed her that she had a fire most politicians, either Venus or National, rarely had. Those wimps just don't appreciate napalm. She wasn't afraid to speak a truth that needed to be said, damn the consequences from those who didn't want it said. We started to talk even after the show, and we quickly bonded over discussions of political and gender theory, along with some golf here and there. When Pettigrew and Camus were legally declared dead, I remember the exictment in her voice when I asked her to be my vice president. If I hadn't dug through the game thread, this could easily be read as a romantic metaphor. Of course, we never got the honest election thanks to the National-controlled National Assembly now the Venus-controlled Venusian Assembly being filled with rats I've heard about political corruption, but wow, must the legislature have gone to pot, but she was my vice president when we stormed the Palais Bourbon, and naturally, five years later, she'll be my vice president now. OK, I'll admit, 'storming the Palais Bourbon' is an amusing historical allusion.

But everything happens for a reason, Mlle. Marchand. Don't ever forget that. Renard was Vice President during Président Durand's comprimise term* (Don't bother looking for a footnote, this was to the development script. Learn to proofread, Thorvald.) because the women of France demanded a true feminist in the executive branch, and Durand's death, although extremely tragic, was also because the women of France demanded a true feminist leader. I wasn't kidding when I said it's feminist Bolshevism.

In that regards, I will deliver what the women of France want. Psychic Mel Gibson? Freedom from the Patriarchy.

ÉM: The answer is probably self-evident, but how influential has Renard been in crafting your government's current policies? Now that I think about it, wouldn't 'Renarde' be the proper feminine form? Someone other than me could probably craft a conspiracy about her secretly being a men's-rights agent provocateur.

JH: She has been extremely influential in my policy making. For example, while I was already on board for it, it was her that really got plans for research grants for any research towards the artificial sperm into motion. If we can reproduce without needing mendogs to fertilize us, the patriarchy will lose any last remaining power it has over us. I know this is based on actual science going on right now, but given the context this invites some... disturbing implications. Thankfully the game's over, so I don't need to forecast. Also, Renard gave me the idea to establish a nine-woman council to find where and what health care services were being underfunded, and help distribute aid to hospitals in need. Oh, wow, something that's not gender politics!

ÉM: On the subject of policy, and national health in particular, the private member's bill submitted by Mme. Françoise Camus who was given a first name after Thorvald remembered that Camus mentioned killed earlier—that's what you get when you pick your names from famous people, that would legalize sex-selective abortion, has stirred up a flurry of controversy even within your own party. Drat, spoke too soon. Proponents say women should have the right to choose to be burdened with a male child, while opponents claim it is an attack on basic human dignity and the rights of the so-called innocent child. ...Wow. I know contemporary anti-abortionists can say some pretty inflammatory things, but I don't think they've gone so far as to accuse the pro-choicers of passing moral judgment on unborn children. Did you expect the bill to be as contentious as it is, and do you intend to keep the vote one of conscience?

JH: I find the idea that people would oppose this bill sickening. It's the mother's body, and what she wants to do with her own body is up to her own business. If the mother only wants to carry a child of a particular gender you mean sex, that should be her own choice. If she realizes she doesn't want to carry any baby, that should be her choice. No one should force a woman to complete an unwanted pregnancy. Of course, this side-steps the whole minefield of new social norms coercing mothers to abort boys out of principle. I think this inspired what Thorvald did in FemIOT.

ÉM: Leading scholars say you are already doing more for the feminist cause than in the combined presidencies since the Women's Revolution. Personality cult, ahoy! How would you describe the movement when you first took office, and where is it now?

JH: When I had my short, abruptly ending presidency five years ago, the feminist movement was the weakest it ever has been. Weaker than before the suffragette movement? Weaker than before the Church conferred widows property rights? Et cetera. Terrorists wiped out the Élysée Palace, an ineffective National Assembly refused to allow for a new Président, and a meteor wiped out Normandy. No, seriously, the GM thought: "This game isn't insane enough; have some space junk!" It was a miracle the sharks in Vienna didn't smell the blood France was bleeding. Interesting metaphor, given Austria is land-locked. But then, these politicians are wackos, so I guess I should cut them some slack.

Today, however, the movement is stronger than ever. Indonesia overthrew its patriarchy and joins France as the second modern matriarchial state, France is no longer threatened by invasion, and for the first time in forever and now that soundtrack's stuck in my head. Thanks, Disney!, France now has the resources and will to attack the Patriarchy directly. Feminism in One Country, ladies and gentlemen.

ÉM: You are, of course, intimately familiar with the repertoire of misogynist libel and slander, but for the sake of exposing the lies, what do you say to the charge, particularly prevalent amongst those oppressive Muslim cultures, that the French feminist ideal is an assault against the family and a detriment to social cohesion? Clichés aside, it's probably no coincidence Marchand is scapegoating Islam, since Thorvald was playing this game as the United Arab Republic.

JH: What disgusts me is that these men throw acid on their wives for trying to be independent, they stone their sisters for not following arranged marriages, they perform FGM (Female Genitalia Mutilation) on their daughters, and then blame us for threatening 'social cohesion'. Yes, a successful state of women for women will challenge the notion that women need to be brutalized and subordinate, and rightfully so. These primitive societal beliefs have no role in 2113, and I eagerly look forward to their demise. This coming from the same state that castrates men if they're caught after curfew.

ÉM: On a related note—and I apologize for pressing the issue, it's part of the job—You're sorry for doing your job? Sweet Neptune, no wonder nobody trusts the national press! there have been increasing murmurs of dissent within fringe groups that question whether feminism has become the very beast it sought to slay my point exactly, commonly pointing to the Marie Curie College shooting as something that, logically, should never have happened. Does it worry you at all that women may be capable of that same brutality normally ascribed to men?

JH: The Marie Curie shooting was nothing more than a deranged STD operative who did not have proper treatment for her PTSD. Does that make her a PTSTD? Sorry, excessive acronyms do that to me. Any attempts to add a male vs female narrative is disrespectful to the students who went through the traumatic experience, especially since only one of Bardot's targets was actually a man. "I'm going to casually devalue the only male victim of this attack, but let's not make this about gender."

As for the actual question, I don't think women are capable of the same brutality men are capable of. We are not governed by testosterone as they are, and therefore are less prone to resort to violence and aggression. This coming from the same usurper that almost certainly would have invaded Germany if she wasn't ousted in 2106. In the case of Bardot again, she was suffering an extreme case of untreated PTSD; a male Bardot would've acted no differently.

ÉM: I beg your pardon, Madame Président... Did you just say that circumstances being the same, there would be no substantive difference between a male and female Bardot? I know this is her throwing a lifeline, but still: ooooooops!

JH: In terms of affliction to PTSD, yes. It's just as nasty to men as it is to women.

ÉM: Could men be as heroic as women too, though?

JH: In terms of physical ability to be heoric, maybe. But most men don't have the mindset. They're hardwired to have the urge prove they're the alpha dog, the strongest of all. They don't really care about protecting the meek or building a better society for anyone but themselves. It's sad, really, how fanatics of any stripe can't see their own glaring hypocrisy.

ÉM: What about Guillaume LeBlanc? His advocates testified that he sacrificed all personal safety to stop Bardot, and the inquiry concluded that his intervention, and I quote: "prevented an even worse massacre". Admittedly, this was during Pettigrew's term, but was the government right to attack him the way it did? Hold on, lady, you're missing some pro-government apologism. You don't want to be seen asking serious questions, do you?

JH: I did allude to him previously; the one male target was him. But it's obvious that his intervention, while ultimately saving lives, was only an extension of wanting to prove superiority over Bardot and the rest of the students of the university by proxy. That is simply just how the male body acts. Now, she's a journalist by training, not a doctor, but part of me worries an accredited psychologist would bring this same blind conjecture to expert testimony.

Now, obviously, Pettigrew's administration could have used more tact in the issue of potential castration. That's right, he literally takes a bullet for a girl, overpowers the shooter, and in reward he's charged with assault. Welcome to Fourth-Wave Feminism, folks! They shouldn't have made announcement of a public investigation, thereby inviting the media to come in and publicize it, tormenting the poor boy. Far better that this miscarriage of justice occur beyond public scrutiny. But, if he was overloaded with hormones, couldn't he have been a potential threat himself? Maybe. I don't blame the intentions behind the investigation, just the horrid execution of it. QED.

ÉM: Moving from domestic to foreign policy, France has been steadily rolling back its commitments to the international community in what some spectators have jokingly called "Feminism in One Country". I hate it when I'm right. Your government has stated in no uncertain terms that France must fortify herself against patriarchal influence, but is such rigid isolation viable in the long term? I guess it worked for Cuba...

JH: France is always willing to support the feminist revolution wherever it spreads; just look at the close relationship between Indonesia and France. However, what exactly do we have to gain by associating ourselves with the Patriarchal states? Basic supplies? A public image that you're not completely insane? Perhaps more sympathy in the later war against Thailand? They will never truly accept us, because their continued power demands taking ours away. Therefore, we must be strong enough to not rely on the goodwill of the Patriarchal states to survive, but be able to protect ourselves. Isn't that the core point of feminism; female independence from males? I'm still struck by the irony that for a movement supposedly about extolling female virtues, this central tenet of aggressive libertarian survivalism is pretty masculine in character.

ÉM: Well, as some so-called moderates argue—

JH: What you're about to describe aren't moderates. Those are non-feminists that want to sell our dignity and future away because they want to be accepted by those who want to collar us. If that's the cost of acceptance by the Patriarchy, I will gladly stand by myself in defiance if I have to. La femme, c'est moi.

ÉM: Nonetheless, there is a shared sentiment with pacifists in the mainstream that this antagonism only serves to entrench mutual hatred to the point that the revolution will only be accomplished through force of arms, something that even with Indonesian support Ha! Its old allies were legitimately peeved that a country that built itself up as a technological powerhouse folded like a house of cards against Thai peasant conscripts, France cannot hope to achieve on her own. Is it possible that feminism has become a victim of its own success?

JH: No. If anything, the success story of France and Indonesia will lead to the spread of the feminist revolution in other countries. Women will realize they can be free if only they break the chains mendogs place on them, and they will demand freedom. Whether it is a peaceful restructuring of society like what happened in France, or an armed insurrection like in Indonesia, women will find their liberation with whatever means they can accomplish it by. I've been making allusions to the Soviets through most of this, but it's also worth noting there are strong ideological and methodological parallels between French Feminism and the radical Islamists, especially given Hiver's previous pronouncements on who qualifies as a 'real' feminist. Speculate as you will.

ÉM: One of the most contentious fronts in that battle has been the Empire of Monaco, which has provoked the ire of both feminists and French nationalists by refusing to entreat diplomatic overtures since as far back as Pettigrew. Your predecessor and vice-president caused an international stir when she decried Monegasque independence as, and I quote: "A blight on all Frenchwomen, north and south." Once the siege upon Indonesia is resolved, can observers expect your government's attention to turn to its southern neighbour?

JH: While it is a national embarrassment and security issue that France is divided into two countries while Germany sets forth to annex all of Central Europe and the Balkans into one reich, France has no military ambitions on Monaco. Yet. Also, given Kaiserin Claudia rules Germany largely by herself, I wonder if Hiver's secretly jealous that a moderate is proving more successful than her. We still stress peaceful integration of Monaco to France is important for both nations, but it must come at a time where Monacans are ready for it. To be fair, it's actually Renard that sets the crisis in motion, but they both stem from the same militant vision.

ÉM: Speaking of German imperialism, when you first took power in 2106 following the cowardly terrorist attack on the Palais Élysée, one of your first executive acts was to mobilize the armed forces in what many anticipated as preparation for an invasion, an entirely logical conclusion to a rational calculation that should in no way be confused with knee-jerk mandog impulsiveness. Do you still consider the German empire an imminent threat, or does room exist for coexistence, either short- or long-term?

JH: The Germans today remain the number one largest threat to France today. They're proof the Fourth Wave isn't needed. While other nations that dislike us, like Malta or Thailand, are seperated by a vast ocean, Germany shares one of our direct land borders. The Germans, ruled by their testosterone, have focused all their resources on building the largest and most modern death machines rather than the welfare of their own people, and would be pointing a majority of it at Paris if the Russians didn't invade the Romans. Then again, feminist insurgents have been trying to off Claudia for years, so you can't fault them for being cautious. While the Germans admittingly have been more level-headed in terms of direct relations with France, make no mistake; they secretly wish to see France's downfall as much as any other Patriarchal state.

ÉM: Now, let us turn to the issue at the forefront of everyone's mind: Indonesia. What is France's response to Yogyakarta's institution of a food embargo against literally every country other than ours?

JH: France thinks the embargoing of the entire world was a slight ha! overreaction by the Indonesian government that needlessly gave the Patriarchy the casus belli it needed to try to dismantle the Matriarchy over there, but also understands the circumstances that resulted in said embargoing. Namely, the fact that the Thai navy blockaded the country. Therefore, while France doesn't necessarily support Indonesia's actions, we will continue to oppose any and all acts of gender imperialism of Thailand or Malta upon Indonesia. If you followed my review of the Thai interview, you'll know she's not out of line to call it imperialism, gendered or otherwise.

ÉM: Would you be able to divulge any specific ways in which your government will aid Indonesian women?

JH: We have already embargoed Thailand and Malta over their reckless imperialism against Indonesia, which is the first and most important step in aiding Indonesia from the assault. Of course, it's not known whether France had any meaningful trade with its neighbours in the first place, but it's the thought that counts. We also successfully negotiated an understanding with the Australians, and got them to stand down and not go through with their proposed blockade.

The main priority of France will be trying to find a peaceful resolution to the Indonesian crisis. France does not want to spend any more blood than is strictly necessary to keep Indonesian borders and government intact. In that regards, we strongly urge a ceasefire between Malta, Indonesia, and Thailand so we can sit around and talk like civilized people.

France will not rule out the possibility of more direct intervention if needed, but it will be a last resort. Unlike men, we do not enjoy violence, and we do not glory in killing. Still, let's keep rattling our sabers at Germany.

ÉM: Before we go, I was wondering if you could tell us anything about the so-called A-bomb, a device rumoured to, and I quote: "forever settle the gender question". While it's not an atom bomb, coincidentally, France achieved a covert nuclear weapons program through the infamous Rosemary incident.

JH: Just another patriarchal death machine, or really weapon in this case, that would never be used in a civilized egalitarian society.

ÉM: It's interesting that you say so, since from what I've heard, whatever it is—and we don't know if it is a bomb, or even if it is a 'weapon' in the conventional sense—the rumours hold that it's being developed by the French government. Dun DUNNN! You have never heard of it?

JH: No comment.

ÉM: It has been an honour and a privilege to speak with you, Madame Président, and may I wish you a long and fruitful second term.

JH: Merci, Mlle. Marchand. I wish to conclude this interview with a message to all women across Earth:

Whether or not you're in an egalitarian country like France, a country dominated by the patriarchy like Malta, or somewhere in between, the fate of the revolution is in your hands. Together, we are strong enough to overthrow the patriarchy in one generation, and bring true freedom for all women on this beautiful planet. Divided, and we will continue to be slaves to those who view women nothing more than their property. Whether you fight with the pen or the sword, never give up fighting. Do not rest until every woman can wake up free from the fear of being raped, free from the fear of having her face splashed of acid, free from the fear of being collared by the patriarchy. We only have our chains to lose!

P.S.: And to all you men-dogs: snip, snip!

ÉM: Your words are an inspiration to us all, Madame Président. Thank you again for your time.

JH: Au revior, Mlle. Marchand.

ÉM: Au revoir.

So, there you have it; if Tumblr hasn't completely destroyed your faith in the gender discourse, spend a week in France and it'll finish the job. This was nowhere near the sort of travesty that the Thai session was, but it compensates by being absolutely terrifying in or out of context. Now if you'll excuse me, I suddenly feel compelled to make sure Sandy's in a good mood...