Someday, humans will live on Mars. Already, we've devised several calendars for use on the planet, including the Darian Calendar. Undoubtedly, colonists will also insist upon inflicting a horoscope upon themselves. In that spirit, here is presented what may be a first:
A Properly Modern Martian Horrorscope
~ Libra (Libra 27 - Scorpius 7) [Sept. 13 - Oct. 20]: Balance is important on Mars, especially since its gravity is roughly one-third that of Earth's. One wrong step could prove to be a lulu.
~ Scorpius (Scorpius 8 - Scorpius 23) [Oct. 21 - Nov. 11]: Sure, having no lawyers or politicians around on Mars sounds great at first, but then who are you going to sting with your sharp tongue without alienating your fellow colonists?
~ Ophiuchus (Scorpius 24, 211 - Sagittarius 2, 212) [Nov. 12 - Dec. 11]: Just because Mars has no plants doesn't mean you don't have to deal with snakes in the grass. Handle them with care, since they probably won't appreciate being thrown out the airlock.
~ Sagittarius (Sagittarius 3 - Capricornus 14) [Dec. 12, 2007 - Feb. 19, 2008]: Shoot an arrow in the air. Where it lands, you'd better care. It probably punctured something.
~ Capricornus (Capricornus 15 - Aquarius 18 ) [Feb. 20 - Apr. 21]: Early colonists on Mars will always find a way to get each others' goat. You're no exception for either side of the equation.
~ Aquarius (Aquarius 19 - Pisces 26) [Apr. 22 - Jun. 24]: Some things just don't hold water with you. You'd best check your hoses and pipes to make sure it's not leaking out onto the arid Martian landscape.
~ Piscis Occidentalis (Pisces 27 - Mina 23) [Jun. 25 - Jul. 20]: On a desert planet like Mars, you undoubtedly feel like a fish out of water. Remember to tank up on water when heading out of the colony.
~ Cetus (Mina 24 - Aries 1) [Jul. 21 - Jul. 26]: Keep your eyes open. You might find you have a whale of a tale to tell about the blunders of the early colonists.
~ Piscis Borealis (Aries 2 - Mesha 14) [Jul. 27 - Sept. 6]: Does something smell fishy? Remember to periodically air out your environmental suit.
~ Aries (Mesha 15 - Rishabha 7) [Sept. 7 - Oct. 27]: Don't feel sheepish. Mars has no native customs yet. One way or another, you just might start a new one, be it your goof-up or the resulting consequences.
~ Taurus (Rishabha 8 - Mithuna 20) [Oct. 27, 2008 - Jan. 4, 2009]: If you intend to colonize Mars, take the proverbial bull by the horns, but don't be surprised if you're beaten up in the process.
~ Gemini (Mithuna 21 - Karka 7) [Jan. 4 - Feb. 18]: You may feel that two heads just might be better than one when dealing with all you need to remember in order to survive on Mars, don't fret. They probably are.
~ Cancer (Karka 8 - Leo 11) [Feb. 19 - Mar. 22]: Just remember, being crabby all the time will make your fellow colonists hate you all the more.
~ Leo (Leo 12 - Virgo 11) [Mar. 23 - May 18]: As one of the early colonists of Mars, you will be the cat's meow to future Martians, no matter how much you're lyin' down on the job during your life.
~ Virgo (Virgo 12 - Libra 26) [May 18 - Jul. 30]: Rejoice in that Mars is, for now, a virgin landscape to explore, with no fast food restaurants, mini-malls, or heavy traffic.
The Fiddly Bits:[/i] The above Martian dates come from the Martiana variant of the Darian Calendar, as devised by Thomas Gangale, with the equivalent 2007-2009 Earth dates in brackets. The Darian Calendar chops up the Martian year into twenty-four four-week months, each week consisting of seven days in the Martiana variant. The months' names derive from the Latin and Sanskrit names for the traditional zodiacal constellation the Sun more or less appears in during that part of the Martian year, beginning near Mars' northern hemisphere's vernal equinox (in order, they are: Sagittarius, Dhanus, Capricornus, Makara, Aquarius, Kumbha, Pisces, Mina, Aries, Mesha, Taurus, Rishabha, Gemini, Mithuna, Cancer, Karka, Leo, Simha, Virgo, Kanya, Libra, Tula, Scorpius, Vrishika).
A Martian solar day is called a "sol" and lasts several minutes longer than an Earth solar day (one solar day is the time it takes for a planet to rotate so that the Sun is once more in the position it was in the previous day; e.g. from noon to noon). The Martian year lasts nearly twice as long as an Earth year.
In 1930, the IAU (International Astronomical Union) standardized the constellation borders so astronomers across the world would have one reference for positioning things in the sky. As seen from Mars, the Sun actually does pass through the above constellations on those days, though the actual times may vary by a days, depending upon year.
An observant reader will notice not twelve, but fourteen constellations represented here (Pisces appearing twice). Mars' ecliptic (the path the Sun appears to trace through the sky over the course of a year) lies very close to Earth's, but does not lie in the exact same direction. While both ecliptics pass through the constellation Ophiuchus (the Serpent Holder), Mars' also clips a corner of Cetus (the Whale). In fact, Earth is the only known planet in the solar system whose ecliptic doesn't. While other would-be astrologers would probably lump the few days of Cetus in with Pisces, this horrorscope splits Pisces into its two fish, the Western Fish and the Northern Fish, as established by many pre-IAU stellar cartographers.
