//TW: SH what the fuck

i'm going through my worst relapse yet indont knowntwhat the fuck is going on i can't stop and i want to but i don't want to last time i got like this i was like 13 and i smearednmy blood on thw walls that's how fucked up i was adn still am i want to do it again but now i know how fucked up that is and i ask myself why am i like this like why did i evennget that idea innthe fisrt place it's been years since i got near as bad as this but now this is too much like maybe even worse than that time because now i don't really have any reason to be like this it's been 2-3 months and i've been getting worse i know it'll go away eventually bc it always happens i'm used to it but this time is worse and i want it to go away i didn't even realize we're at the 6th month already and i've been like this for months and it's felt like days what the fuck but really this hasn't been my year last one ended horribly and this started like that i think that's why but this is getting too far WHY DO I CRY FORNO REAOSN EVERYNIGHT I JUST CRY FOR HOURS i cry at everything , I FUCKING THOUGHT THW REGGAETON LYRICS WERE TALKING TO ME AND I STARTED CRYING i thought i wss sick and dying and i had to lit myself on fire or bleed myself THAT waa kinda funny too but now idk what the fuck this is i really have ni reeason to feel this bad I HAVE NOTHING TOVWORRY ABOUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL i really am looking forward that feeling of pure bliss when all of it ends because that shit feels so good i know it's gonna hit so hard when kt comes unless it doesn't WHY DO I KEEP TYPING MY VENTS ITS ALWAYS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER IT'S THE SAME ALWAYS and idk what i want from all this i know nothing will make it go away i tried I AM TIRED of pretending i'm fine (THATS SI CLICHE) but fir real this is it i am snapping i will not shut up now i've said all this to someone and it didn't fucking matter so i am anfry too frustrated and i don't know, more words like that . ok noe that i've thought a little about allt his i think i am at my worst rn is because i don't have any source of comfort at all like in the past i could atleast dristract myself watching tv or whatever but now i don't have anything just my thoughts and i've tried to let it out by draiwng vents but maybe that's making it all worse i don't know bmaybe this is Del's fault because i fucking keep drawing him suffering like that and i am externalizing thise things or am i externalizing them because i simply can't take this anymore?

TLDR: WaAAHH WAHHH WAHHH!! waAAHWAHH!!!